So I’m sitting in the library procrastinating, as I often do, and I can’t help but notice the…unpleasant odor emanating from the gentleman next to me. Seriously…he has to be able to smell himself right? Maybe he has some terrible olfactory disease. Even so, I’m pretty sure we learned back in like sixth grade that applying deodorant every day is a great way to make and keep friends.

…

He’s gone. Whew. And my suspicions were correct, the air is significantly more breathable now that he is gone.

This reminds me of another charming fellow I had the pleasure of sharing library time with a few weeks ago. He was your classic, middle-aged, male, Athens “townie”: Nascar hat, white cutoff shirt that is so worn it’s almost see-through, and jorts. Oh, don’t forget the raging mullet.

So I’m sitting in one of the armchairs reading or doing a crossword or something else not-school related, when I hear the strangest, most disgusting noise ever. I look up, and it is the man, snorting and clearing his throat and apparently trying to remove every last trace of mucus from his throat. I give him a meaningful look, even though he can’t see me, and get back to my reading. Not five minutes later, znaarrrrrk. Another mucus-roar.

Oh please, let that be the end, I thought.

But it was only just the beginning. After several more snorts, and several more glares, I look up to see this dashing man….picking his nose.

Ok….seriously?!?!

I blink once, twice, shake my head, thinking I imagined it, but when I open my eyes, there he is, digging for gold like he’s a fucking forty-niner.

Half expecting this man to just vomit all over his keyboard (I mean, that’s the logical next step right?), I gathered my things and moved to a different chair. One where I could not see him.

So I ask you, why why why is it so hard for one to go to the library, do a little homework or leisure reading, and not have to worry about overwhelming body odors and snot enthusiasts? Now if you’ll excuse me, another one of Alden’s gems, talk-loudly-on-cellphone-girl, has just taken a seat. My cue to leave.

Hey all. So I decided to make a blog for my fellow CFTMers to read. Maybe enjoy. Probably make fun of me for.

Dear Carlos Mencia,

Since you love stealing ideas from other comedians so much…why don’t you steal a bit from Mitch Hedberg…O.D. and die!*

Love, Jess

P. S. I don’t like you. Nyah nyah.

Now that that’s out of the way…

I was just invited to The World’s Biggest Simon Says Game, which will take place this Saturday at Peden Stadium. At first, I was like “Cool! I love me some Simon Says!” But then I saw that they are charging $5 to play. WHAT?! I’m pretty sure this game was played for free back when I was a kid. Oh, the good ol’ days. Now we can’t even play simple playground games without shelling out the dough. (Hey guys, should we start charging people to play Fish?)

While the $5 is enough to make any college student cringe, I admit it is going towards a worthy cause: Athens High School Boys’ Basketball. I imagine their high school is similar to mine in that they’re, well…poor as fuck.

Also, every participant apparently gets a free t-shirt. I don’t see how they are ordering 1,400 t-shirts (their desired turnout) but whatev. As long as I get one, damnit.

So needless to say, you will find me, at 11 am on a Saturday morning…probably hungover from Friday night’s pirate party…playing Simon Says with hundreds of other hungover college kids on a football field. As Kevin would say, “This is the true college experience.”

Later days

*RIP Mitch Hedberg. I adore you, but not that douchemonkey Mencia.