I tried to read 50 books in 2007, but I failed. I had a great time with it, though, thanks to my friends recommending and lending me books. Here’s the final tally:

1. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
2. The Scandalous Summer of Sissy LeBlanc by Loraine Despres
3. Would I Lie to You by Cecily von Ziegesar
4. Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry & Ridley Pearson
5. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
6. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
7. Midnight Predator by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
8. Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
9.Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
10. Post Office by Charles Bukowski
11. The Big Money by John Dos Passos
12. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes by Anita Loos
13. This Is Our Youth by Kenneth Lonergan
14. Red Light Winter by Adam Rapp
15. Some Girl(s) by Neil LaBute
16. The Book of Liz by David & Amy Sedaris
17. He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
18. Hawksong by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
19. Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk
20. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling
21. Without You by Anthony Rapp
22. The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
23. Don’t You Forget About Me by Cecily von Ziegesar
24. Barefoot in the Park by Neil Simon
25. On the Bright Side, I’m Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God  by Louise Rennison
26. About a Boy by Nick Hornby
27. High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
28. Soccer Moms by Kathleen Clark
29. Theater Trip by Jules Tasca
30. The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis
31. Bridget Jones’s Diary by Helen Fielding
32. A Bad Year for Tomatoes by John Patrick

Hopefully my goal will be reached in ’08!

ANYWAY…

So I’m sitting on the bus, and I feel the fabric around my chest become very loose, and at first I’m puzzled but then it hits me: My clasp just came unclasped. The girls are on the loose! As I’m coming to this embarassing realization, I look over at the guy across the aisle from me, who is sporting the same awkward expression as I am and looking at my chest. I look down and see that the twins have become quadruplets. The bra’s cups are spread out, making it look like I have four breasts. Ack.

I panic at first…the bus is already on the way to campus. I can’t run back to my apartment or I’ll be late for class. My future is looking very bleak but then…a ha! I suddenly remember the sweatshirt I shoved into my bag on the way out the door. Only problem is, it’s pretty damn warm outside. What freak would put on a sweatshirt whilst the sun is beating down on her? This freak. I give a pretend shiver, for the benefit of anyone watching, and pull on my sweatshirt.

Smiling at my cleverness,  I get off the bus, roll my sleeves up, and make my way down Jeff Hill to Playwriting. I’ll have just enough time to run to the bathroom and reclasp my bra before class.

But oh no. The Lingerie Gods are not letting me get off that easy.  I hear a little *ting*, and realize that the metal clasp has just completely fallen off my bra. It’s at this point that I’d like to say: Really? And unfortunately, the answer is yes.

So I end up discarding my bra in the Putnam 2nd floor bathroom and free-boobing it around Athens for a few hours. The end.

…

He’s gone. Whew. And my suspicions were correct, the air is significantly more breathable now that he is gone.

This reminds me of another charming fellow I had the pleasure of sharing library time with a few weeks ago. He was your classic, middle-aged, male, Athens “townie”: Nascar hat, white cutoff shirt that is so worn it’s almost see-through, and jorts. Oh, don’t forget the raging mullet.

So I’m sitting in one of the armchairs reading or doing a crossword or something else not-school related, when I hear the strangest, most disgusting noise ever. I look up, and it is the man, snorting and clearing his throat and apparently trying to remove every last trace of mucus from his throat. I give him a meaningful look, even though he can’t see me, and get back to my reading. Not five minutes later, znaarrrrrk. Another mucus-roar.

Oh please, let that be the end, I thought.

But it was only just the beginning. After several more snorts, and several more glares, I look up to see this dashing man….picking his nose.

Ok….seriously?!?!

I blink once, twice, shake my head, thinking I imagined it, but when I open my eyes, there he is, digging for gold like he’s a fucking forty-niner.

Half expecting this man to just vomit all over his keyboard (I mean, that’s the logical next step right?), I gathered my things and moved to a different chair. One where I could not see him.

So I ask you, why why why is it so hard for one to go to the library, do a little homework or leisure reading, and not have to worry about overwhelming body odors and snot enthusiasts? Now if you’ll excuse me, another one of Alden’s gems, talk-loudly-on-cellphone-girl, has just taken a seat. My cue to leave.

Dear Carlos Mencia,

Since you love stealing ideas from other comedians so much…why don’t you steal a bit from Mitch Hedberg…O.D. and die!*

Love, Jess

P. S. I don’t like you. Nyah nyah.

Now that that’s out of the way…

I was just invited to The World’s Biggest Simon Says Game, which will take place this Saturday at Peden Stadium. At first, I was like “Cool! I love me some Simon Says!” But then I saw that they are charging $5 to play. WHAT?! I’m pretty sure this game was played for free back when I was a kid. Oh, the good ol’ days. Now we can’t even play simple playground games without shelling out the dough. (Hey guys, should we start charging people to play Fish?)

While the $5 is enough to make any college student cringe, I admit it is going towards a worthy cause: Athens High School Boys’ Basketball. I imagine their high school is similar to mine in that they’re, well…poor as fuck.

Also, every participant apparently gets a free t-shirt. I don’t see how they are ordering 1,400 t-shirts (their desired turnout) but whatev. As long as I get one, damnit.

So needless to say, you will find me, at 11 am on a Saturday morning…probably hungover from Friday night’s pirate party…playing Simon Says with hundreds of other hungover college kids on a football field. As Kevin would say, “This is the true college experience.”

Later days

*RIP Mitch Hedberg. I adore you, but not that douchemonkey Mencia.